Where Is Home?

I have been grappling with the uncertainty of where we will be living when Josh finishes SOI at the end of June. It is getting old to always have to tell people we do not yet know where we will be stationed, or when we will know for sure. We will hopefully know in June, but even that is not certain. As of now, here are my thoughts regarding this upcoming placement- it does not matter, ultimately. I know God is going to bless us wherever we are stationed. There will be upsides and downsides to wherever we are. It will be hard at times and fun and exciting at times. More than anything, we will be stationed somewhere together. We will be able to have a space that is just ours, we will be able to decorate it the way we want to, we will be able to finally hang up our wedding photos and unpack our items from a storage unit. The last time we lived together in our own space was in November, so by the time we reach that point again, it will be only too welcomed by both of us. So whether it is Pendleton, 29 Palms, or Kanehoe Bay I will be grateful! I will be with my husband, and that, in itself, will be bliss. 

I had my first extreme wave of loneliness and sadness last night since boot camp. During boot camp, I felt extremely emotional and unstable- with everything and anything making me cry. Since Josh left for school of infantry, though, I have not had that extreme sadness that I experienced before. Last night, though, I was reading some of my journal from September of last year, and I had written one day about all of the little things I love and appreciate about Josh. I had written about how much improvement we had seen in our marriage, and the joy and fun we had in spending time together. As I read this, I was struck with an extreme loneliness, almost an ache to be with Josh. I want him to be with me for the little, mundane, trivial things that come up throughout the day. I have been attending a marriage Bible study through Grace Community Church here in Chico, and had it last night. We had talked about how to treat our spouse with respect and assume the best about them, rather than the worst. As other couples shared about little antics they want to stop getting worked up over, like leaving toilet seat up or not taking out the trash, I found myself longing for Josh to be around- even with all of  those trivial things. I wanted to have something current to share, something that had come up recently in living with Josh. It is those little things, living and sharing life with someone everyday, that I miss during this season of life. 

I have the opportunity to go back to Maui again soon- which I am very excited about! One of the families I used to babysit for often, and whose two daughters I knew well from the preschool I worked at, are traveling for their jobs and need a nanny during that time. I am only too happy to fly over and help them! This means, though, that my time in Chico is drawing to a close even sooner. I am leaving on May 22, and then returning on June 5- although that will be to San Diego. I will then live at my aunt and uncle's house in Escondido until Josh is done with SOI on June 21. Josh's brother is getting married on June 25 in Birmingham, Alabama and we are praying and hoping Josh will be able to go. He may not know until the middle of June, so I am planning on flying with or without him. I just hope, selfishly and for the family's sake, that it is with him. So far God has been ordaining the timing of Josh's training in amazing ways, and I have no double He can do so again. We just need to wait patiently until we find out. It is always in the Lord's timing and not our own! I am learning this more now than ever before. It is this constant need trust and rely on the Lord that is changing me with each and every day. That, in itself, is a reason to rejoice at what this season will do for me, for Josh and for our marriage in the long-term. 

The Waiting Game

Josh mentioned to me before he even left for boot camp the mantra of "Hurry Up and Wait", which is often used jokingly by Marines. The life of a Marine is dictated and run by a strict schedule and plan, but it often leads to waiting for long periods of time. For example, when Josh signed up for the USMC initially in Maui, we thought he would be sent to boot camp soon after (which would have been July 2015). We later found out he would not begin boot camp until December 7th. Now he experienced another delay in starting his next phase of training, School of Infantry (SOI). He was supposed to begin 10 days after boot camp ended, which would have been March 15th, but he started yesterday- April 19th. I feel like this has already become a common theme in our lives, and we have only been part of the military officially for 4 months. 

The waiting game has greatly affected me as well. I feel as though much of my life is on hold currently, waiting for the next chapter to begin. Every decision banks on another, and yet I can't make any further decisions until we know where we will be living. It is a frustrating cycle for me, and one I am having to continually surrender control in and give control to the Lord. As of now, we are scheduled to find out where we will be living after SOI sometime in the first two weeks of June. But, even in my limited experience, I am preparing myself for that date to be extended. The main USMC bases we could be stationed at are Camp Pendleton (in Oceanside, CA- where Josh is currently), 29 Palms (the middle of no where in the Mohave Desert), Camp Lejeune (North Carolina), Okinawa (Japan), and Kanehoe Bay (Oahu, Hawaii). From what we have been told, we will be allowed to give a preference of either West Coast, East Coast or Overseas. Ultimately, though, the decision lies in the hands of the Marine Corps and where the greatest need is at the time of Josh's stationing. Another aspect of Josh's current training is his ability to choose a Military Occupational Specialty (or MOS). This is basically the specialty within the infantry division where Josh receives additional training. Common infantry MOS's include rifleman, sniper, reconnoissance, machine gunner, mortarman, and many more. Since Josh scored extremely high on the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) test during boot camp, he should be able to have his pick of MOS. Once again, we will see if that actually happens. We are learning to be both patient and flexible! Too bad those are two of the hardest attributes for me to live out on a daily basis. 

Josh has been down at Pendleton since March 28th, which was the date he was assigned to report. Since his start date for SOI was delayed, he was assigned to a waiting barracks, which meant he was placed on different working parties to perform menial tasks, chores, maintenance, and whatever else was needed on the base. He was not happy to be assigned there, but not starting his next round of training. He is chomping at the bit, as much as I am, to find out where we will be stationed. However, he was able to spend more time with many of the other new Marines who were in the same situation as him. Many of these men were the same ones he had been with at boot camp, although he knew nothing about the details of their life. He was able to talk and get to know them, and share about his life, our marriage and his faith. It was great to hear how many questions about marriage he was receiving and answering from all of the 18 and 19 year olds surrounding him! I am happy he can pass on the wisdom we have gained during our first four years of marriage. I am praying God will continue to place particular men in his path who need to hear words of encouragement or hope from Josh. I am also praying Josh will have the energy and the motivation to take those opportunities! 

I went down to visit Josh at Camp Pendleton the second weekend he was there (April 8th and 9th). He had called me the previous weekend and explained his "liberty", or freedom, situation to me. Since he had not officially started SOI, there was a much greater chance he would be granted the highest level of liberty ("alpha") which meant he could leave the base for the weekend. I jumped at the opportunity to see him for the weekend, and drove all the way down to Oceanside, thankfully accompanied by my mother in law. We would not know officially what level of liberty Josh had received from his staff sergeants, but made the drive anyways- hopeful we would get to spend time with him. He had told me the second best case scenario would be "bravo" liberty, which meant he would be allowed off base for both Saturday and Sunday, but have to return to sleep in the barracks both nights. I found out around 1:00 PM that afternoon, as we were arriving in Oceanside, he had received "bravo". I was disappointed somewhat, wanting him to have freedom from the base for the weekend, but was thrilled I hadn't driven all that way in vain. I was able to enter onto the base Friday early evening and have dinner with Josh. That was quite an experience in itself. He only had about 2 hours of freedom that evening, but I had wanted to spend as much time with him while I was in the area as possible. We ended up being confined to the area immediately surrounding his barracks, which limited our dinner options to the mini mart (with frozen foods and a microwave) and Domino's. We decided to go with the pizza. Walking in to the Domino's, I quickly realized I was the only female surrounded by about 40 Marines (most in uniform, some in civilian clothing). All heads turned towards me, which made me very self conscious. The worst part was the moment of panic I experienced when exiting the bathroom. I scanned the crowd for Josh, but couldn't pinpoint which one was him- since they were all dressed the same. Thankfully he soon walked towards me, which helped! We were able to spend two full days together after that. We played disc golf, walked on the Oceanside Pier, ate delicious Mexican food, and spent time with his Mom. It was nice to be together, especially with the uncertainty looming in front of us of when we would next get to see each other. 

Since then, we have been able to talk on the weekends. Josh has to turn in his cell phone during the week, but has been getting it back for the weekends. I am praying this continues as the intensity of SOI training increases. I am hoping to go visit him sometime soon, but am waiting to hear how his new instructors are in SOI, and what kind of weekend liberty he will most likely be receiving. I am also planning on living down in that area for most of June. I want to be close enough to the base to be able to go see him on short notice. Having to make a 8+ hour drive to get to him is not ideal, although it does have its benefits currently. Chico is amazingly beautiful, and I am trying my best to soak up all of this warmth and sunshine we have been having. I have been loving riding my bike, hiking and sitting by the creek. What a beautiful place to be living during spring! 

A Day In The Life...

It is funny how situations change, and just as often we change with them. I never would have imagined, looking ahead into the future several years ago, that I would be the wife of a Marine. I never would have imagined I would be sharing a house in Chico with my sister and sister in law. I never would have imagined I would be working odd jobs, waiting for our placement to find a full time job once again. Most of all, I never would have imagined having to go months  without talking to or seeing my husband, followed by more months of very limited amounts of communication. It has been an interesting season, and one I know will continue to be interesting, challenging, and molding for me. 

In this season, though, I never would have imagined the blessings that have popped up, seemingly around every corner. It has been an immense blessing to live with Rachel (sister in law) and Caroline (my younger sister). Being a part of their lives daily, and getting to share mine with them has been so awesome. In some ways, it feels like college all over again (living with other girls), but it is deeper than that in many ways. They are my sisters and I love sharing in life with them. It is something I never expected to be able to experience, almost 4 years into marriage, and I am so thankful for it. Another blessing that has arisen in this season of uncertainty has been the amount of time I have been able to spend with Josh's parents in Roseville. Even before Josh and I were married, I have felt welcomed into the Hill family. They are loving, care deeply, and will go above and beyond to make someone feel loved. I have been the recipient of this love often over the last 5 years, and living in Chico again since December has been a reminder of their awesomeness! I have been going to Roseville often- many times during the holiday season, on my way to and from other destinations, and just for a comforting place to get away to. Their home really has become my home away from home, and for that I am so thankful. I had never envisioned being so close to my in laws, and I continue to be blessed daily by having them in my life. 

God has certainly been working in my heart these past 4 months. I have developed a more pressing need for His guidance in my life, with all of the uncertainty. Prayer has become an outlet for my anxiety, and I find myself turning to it almost involuntarily throughout the day. I have been discovering new things about myself, especially areas I need to improve in and be humbled in. The idea of surrendering my own will, and getting away from my own selfishness has been recurrent. Ideally, this is not the place I would want to be in. I would want to be working full time, have Josh home every night, and have our future planned out. I would want comfort and security. But that is not what life as a follower of Christ looks like. We are called to a life set apart from others. We are called to an uncomfortable life. When God works in and through us, it is not often in the way we would have imagined or hoped. I know God is teaching me to surrender to the leadership of my husband, as a submissive wife. I need to trust that God is speaking to him and leading him in the way that he feels we are called in to. God is also teaching me to wait on His timing. It never seems as timely as the plan I would have envisioned, but it is so much better. There are things we learn through waiting that we would not learn otherwise. I have been learning to be less selfish, thinking less of myself and more of others. I have been learning to be less concerned with working to make money in every spare moment of the day and use that time to invest in others, and invest in my relationship with the Lord. 

I am hoping the things I am learning during this season will prepare me for the next one we enter into- wherever and whenever that may be. It may be hard to spend evenings by myself, eat meals by myself and handle all of the financial decisions that arise when my husband is out of touch. But I know I will come out of this time stronger, and more able to cope emotionally with the next season God calls us into. Until then, I am taking one day at a time. I am choosing to invest my time well, and be thankful for the extra time I do have. I want to remember that there are so many blessings the Lord wants to give us, but we must stop and be still before Him in order to see them and receive them. I hope this can encourage you too, as you read this, to see what blessings the Lord may have for you. 

Reunited

After the separation of 13 weeks apart, being reunited with Josh after boot camp was bliss. The final days leading up to seeing him on March 3rd were anxiety-ridden for me. I had spent so much time thinking about seeing him again, and waiting anxiously for that day to come. When it finally did, I found myself feeling the butterflies and nervousness I hadn't known was building up inside. The biggest fear I had leading up to the end of boot camp was the change I expected to see in Josh. Yes, I had expected he would look differently than when I last saw him, but I was also fearful he would act differently as well. In my mind, the Marine Corps would have anted to strip him to down to nothing, and build him up as the new man they wanted him to become. For me, thinking about that was difficult. We had put in so much work on our marriage leading up to boot camp. The first two years of marriage were extremely difficult for us, and we had both noticed the changes the following year and half. I felt like we were finally beginning to understand one another and work well together as a couple. I feared boot camp would change all of that, and take us back to the beginning in many ways. 

I also had anxiety about spending so much time together in the days following boot camp. I had planned a road trip for the two of us, after the first weekend with his family down in San Diego, to the Grand Canyon and Sedona in Arizona. Since I had not known what he would be in the mood for after his rigorous training and rigid schedule, I left the details unplanned. I had brought many of his belonging from Chico- enough to be prepared for relaxation or adventure (depending on what he would prefer). I also brought several of the food items he had requested to family day (including homemade hummus, ingredients to make Greek pita sandwiches, pasta salad, and Oreo cheesecake). 

After the long drive to Souther California on March 2nd, we prepared to see Josh for the first time on Family Day (March 3rd). His Mom, Dad, sister and I went to MCRD San Diego early on that morning. After having our car inspected and showing our ID's to get onto the base, we entered into the hours of waiting until the afternoon to come to spend it with Josh. The schedule had said Family Day began at 9:00 AM, so we arrived before that time. We then endured different instructors speaking to us, both outside and inside the auditorium. We (briefly) saw Josh and his platoon jog by on their final motivational run of boot camp. Then they went back to their barracks to shower and change, while we waited even longer to actually speak to them. Over the next two hours of waiting, I found my anxiety level raising even more. I eventually had to leave the auditorium, where a long presentation on Marine Corps 101 was being held, and walk outside. My mother in law, Mary, followed me outside, and she and I were able to talk through and process some of what I was feeling. I felt excited to see Josh, of course, but nervous about what it would be like. I was afraid the 10 days of leave he had would just feel like a tease, and then he would be back at his next training. I was also feeling overwhelmed being on the Marine base, and seeing what my life as a Marine wife would look like for the next 4 years. It was a whole different world, and one that I knew nothing about. The unknown of what this new chapter would be bringing for us was a lot to take on. Mary was kind enough to pray with me right there and then- specifically praying that God would send me a sign of reassurance that we were doing His will, and that He had a greater and deeper plan for us in all of this. Neither of us knew then how quickly He would answer this prayer! 

Around 12:00, the new Marines marched in and lined up in front of all the family members present. They were officially announced as the newest Marines of the USMC, and then released to us for their on-base freedom, until they had to report back at 5:00 PM. I rushed forward to find Josh, while his family stayed back on the steps. After looking past him once, I did find him and then we walked back up to where his family was. After working our way past the crowds of people, we were able to find a picnic area where we could eat a leisurely lunch (which Josh loved, after the stress that meal times had become for him) and begin to ask some of the questions we had about boot camp life. Before we were able to get into our questioning and meal, however, Josh said he had a change of schedule to inform us about. The last I had heard from him, via his final letter, he had said he was scheduled to have the normal 10 days of boot leave and report back for school of infantry on Tuesday, March 15th. I had planned to fly out that same day to Maui to surprise my parents and be there for their 60th birthday party. I hadn't had a chance to tell Josh this, though, because he told me not to send letters the final two weeks of boot camp. So, to hear him say there was a change in his schedule made my heart drop. I figured he was saying he would have less time, and couldn't go on the trip I had planned for us, or he had more time- in which I would be in Maui already. What he did say made me realize God was ordaining this entire situation- and in a way that was much better than I could have dreamed up! He told me the school of infantry was backed up, and that he would not be reporting their for an additional two weeks. He would not be off that entire time, however, but would be working with the recruiter for the USMC- on Maui! He was scheduled to start there the exact same day I was flying over, so we were able to be on the same flight together. He would be working with the recruiter during the day, but have evenings and weekends free.  After he finished telling us this, and I told him of my existing plans to go to Maui we just sat there in amazement. There really was no other explanation for how our plans alignment so perfectly, except for being God-ordained. He had this in mind all along. 

After figuring out about our extended time together, we were able to enjoy the rest of Family Day. We had a picnic and visited with his family. They left base a while later to get him a burrito to eat for dinner later, which gave us some one-on-one time. We had to say goodbye to him for his final night in the barracks, and we returned to the house we had rented nearby. Josh's brother Jeremiah flew in that evening to surprise him by being there for the graduation. The next morning, we left early once again for MCRD. The lines to get in were even longer that day, but we did manage to find a row of seats together- with enough room for my aunt and uncle, my grandma, and a friend of the Hills from Roseville who is a Marine wife stationed at Pendleton. The graduation ceremony was well done, but too long in my opinion! I just wanted Josh to be done so we could take him home with us! We were able to exit quickly after the ceremony ended, though, and already had a meeting place set up with Josh. Jeremiah met him there, and Josh was surprised and thrilled to see him. We took some pictures there and then headed back to the house for lunch with the family and my relatives. The rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and spending time with Josh's family, which was great. 

Josh and I left for our Arizona trip on Sunday, after spending Saturday night at a Bed and Breakfast at Cardiff by the Sea (a gift from my aunt and grandma). Our road trip was great- full of adventurous hikes, relaxation, good food and wine, and lots of time together. We spent two nights in Sedona at my great aunt and uncle's house, which was really relaxing. They were amazing hosts and cooked for us and directed us on where to hike. Then we spent two night inside Grand Canyon National Park. Josh had never been here and loved seeing the canyon. We went for a 17 mile hike down the canyon one of the days there. It was one of the most beautiful hikes I had ever been on. Then we drove back to Roseville (in one long day of driving) to spend the final weekend in California with his parents and sister. On March 15th, we flew to Maui and spent 12 more days there together. It was such a blessing to have extended time together, and to see all of my family over there. My sister and brother flew over too (sister from CA and brother from Washington DC). We were so blessed to have time with both sides of the family. 

Being back together was so much better than I could have imagined. We said many times that it felt like we had never been apart. All of my anxieties about Josh being changed faded once I spent time around him. We could still be just as silly together, go on crazy hikes, watch movies snuggled on the couch, and relax over a glass of wine. He was also much more open and talkative about boot camp than I had imagined him to be, and was always sharing some story or experience. I loved feeling like I was getting a glimpse into what his world looked like there. Having spent time apart made us savor and cherish the time we had together. Every day was a gift, and we realized that and tried to make the most of it. I pray we will continue to do so with the time we are given together in these next few years as well. It is a reminder to never let moments pass you by, or become too busy to enjoy one another. 

Here's a few pictures from Family Day, the first time we had seen each other in 13 weeks 

The Reality of Boot Camp (Part 2)

The 13 weeks of boot camp were tough for both Josh and I, but in very different ways. For me, I had to find ways to fill my time and distract myself and stay busy, but for Josh- every minute of his day was planned and directed by his drill instructors. He wasn't allowed any time of his own, let alone able to make even the smallest decisions about how to spend his time. It is hard to imagine what this would even be like, but getting to spend almost a month with him after boot camp, I heard more and more stories and examples of what it was like-living with constant orders. 

One of the first things I noticed about Josh when I saw him for the first time in 13 weeks on family day (despite the amount of weight he had lost) was the hoarseness of his voice. When he spoke for the first time, it sounded like he was recovering from a severe cold, or hadn't talked yet after waking up. I came to discover that this was due to all the yelling he had been doing over the entirety of boot camp. He didn't get to talk- but oh did he yell. Every command from his drill instructors (DI's) had to be followed with a response, a loud one. It took a few days of resting his voice from the yelling and talking normally for him to sound like himself again (thankfully). As far as the weight loss goes, he did look very different when I saw him. I knew from the experience of others that he would lose weight, but he definitely lost more than I had imagined. The crazy part in seeing all of the new Marines that day was how similar they all looked to one another. They were obviously dressed alike, and had similar lean body types. As I was scanning the crowd, trying to find Josh for the first time, I looked right past him. It wasn't until I did a double take that I actually saw it was him, and ran up to hug him. Josh lost over 20 pounds during boot camp, but it looked like more since he had gained muscle as well. I later found out the weight loss was largely due to his self control. During meal times, (which they called "chow') the recruits were sent through a cafeteria line of food. They were ordered to put food onto their tray quickly (of course- everything had to be done quickly), but they had freedom over what they chose. Josh said he avoided a lot of carbs and focused more on protein and fruit and vegetables (which made his dietitian wife happy to hear!). They also had to be strategic about the speed in which they could eat their food. The quicker items were best- since they were trying to eat as quickly as they could. For example, Josh told me he would often choose squeeze packets of peanut butter that he could open and squeeze into his mouth in one swallow. Good thing he has always been a naturally fast eater as well! It was funny being with him immediately following boot camp and seeing him take his time and savor his food. I've been trying to get him to do that for years, but it finally kicked in after boot camp. Oh, also during meal times Josh said they were usually being yelled at by DI's the entire time to hurry up and finish. They had to keep their heads down and keep their elbows and body in a certain position. What a crazy way to have to eat every meal. 

The barracks of boot camp were also an intense experience for Josh and the recruits as well. They were the typical "racks" (or bunk beds) that you picture from all of the military movies. It was one large open room, not divided by doors or anything, with all 76 of his platoon mates together. They each had a small locker of their belongings next to their rack, which had to be locked at all times. Their usual sleep schedule was 8:00 PM bedtime until 4:00 AM wake up call. This was often interrupted by "fire watch", which was a rotation they all went through of being up during the night to keep watch, do chores, etc. They would usually have fire watch for 2 hour shifts. Josh said he usually got his watch right in the middle of their sleep schedule, somewhere around midnight. The other crazy thing about nighttime in the barracks was bathroom breaks. Right before bed, all of the recruits were forced to drink an entire canteen of water (not sure of the size, but I'm guessing it was a lot), and then go to bed. If you had to get up to make a head call (what they refer to using the bathroom as) in the middle of the night, you had to wait your turn (only 2 people allowed to go at a time), and then you had to do a full set of pull ups before you could go (which was about 20). Josh, being an overachiever, would often get up during the night to workout more than was necessary, and practice his pull ups and sit ups. Those, along  with a 3 mile run time, were what all of the recruits were tested on and had to reach a certain number by the end of boot camp. No surprise that Josh reached the maximum requirement for pull ups, sit ups and got an excellent time on his run. Such a stud :) 

In our travels after boot camp, seeing family and friends in multiple states, Josh was often asked the question of the hardest part of boot camp and the best part of boot camp. I was touched to hear him say, repeatedly, the hardest part was being away from me. He has been through several rigorous programs so far (fire academy and paramedic program) which challenged him mentally and physically, so he said boot camp was not as hard as he had imagined in some ways. But being apart from me was harder than he imagined. We have grown so much in our (almost) 4 years of marriage, and have developed a deep reliance on each other. Being apart truly did feel, for both of us, as if a part of us were missing. It was nice to know I was not alone in feeling that, and that despite his insane schedule, he still found time to miss me! When asked the best part of boot camp, he would usually say receiving a special honor from his senior DI for scoring the highest academic score in the entire company (not just his platoon but all of Echo Company-441 recruits). He was given a challenge coin, which is a special military coin with a nostalgic history. Josh stood in front of his whole platoon and received the special award, along with some kind words from his DI, which do not come often! He also said one of the best moments for him was receiving the level of expert for his rifleman shooting. As you can tell, I am proud of how well he did overall! 

If you are like me, you have always imagined and pictured boot camp to be full of running, physical training, obstacle courses and much more. I was surprised to hear from Josh that running was not a large part of their routine. He said the longest runs they did were 3 miles, and those were few and far between. The majority of the rigorous physical activity came from marching in formation (for hours at a time) and hiking (usually with 80 pound packs on their backs and rifles in their hands). The focus was more on those activities, because that is what they will be doing more of in the future. Josh said his body just got used to being sore, and he learned to push through it. I was unsure of what he would need during his 10 days of leave, which turned into more than that thankfully, but we still ended up hiking and running often. I guess once his body was in that mode it was easy to keep going. 

I asked Josh about the other recruits, since he did not mention anyone in particular in his letters over the course of boot camp. Being one of the oldest people there, (and affectionately given the nickname Old Man of 2113) he did not connect personally with most of the 17 and 18 year olds there. He was more of a mentor or older brother to them, which he said was exhausting at times. He was also the prayer leader, which meant many of these guys were coming to him continually for prayer needs. He did not have anyone to share deeper things with, or connect emotionally. He said writing letters to me and others was the only outlet for that during all of boot camp. I have no doubt he made a difference in many of those young mens' lives, though, by being an example of a man of God. That was one of the main reasons he felt God leading him to enlist rather than be an officer, so I know he was already used well in that area and will continue to be used as well. 

There are many more stories and experience from boot camp, but I will stop here for now. If anyone has specific questions, feel free to comment and ask them. I will be happy to try and answer them the best that I can!