The Reality of Boot Camp (Part 1)

It is overwhelming to think about even starting to describe what bootcamp was like, for Josh and for me. We had extremely different experiences and emotions, or lack there of, and it took us a while to process them with each other once we were reunited after 13 weeks apart. 

I guess I will try to start from the beginning, and I will do so first from my perspective. Bootcamp, for me, began the moment I dropped Josh off at the Sacramento Airport. I had to do so on December 6th, since he had to fly first to Oahu, and then to San Diego. The ridiculous of this did not make sense to me, but he was supposed to ship out from the state where he enlisted, which meant unnecessary flight time for him, and losing precious time we could have been spending together. Anyways, I dropped him off at Sac Airport, crying uncontrollably, and then returned to Roseville to be around Josh's family (you will see that this became a current theme for me throughout bootcamp....and now). I had already moved the majority of my possessions up to the house in Chico, so Rachel and I, along with Mary (Josh's Mom) drove up to Chico the next day, December 7th. It was my birthday that day, and I had a list of errands to run (dentist appointment, drug test for work, etc....), so I wasn't really able to do much to celebrate until the evening. I was already emotionally shaky and feeling sad to be separated from Josh on my birthday, when I missed a call and voicemail from him. I had no idea he would be allowed to call, and figured he would have already been checked in. Plus, he had left his cell phone with me (since they are prohibited for all of bootcamp). Apparently he was able to call one last time from the airport, and had wanted to wish me a happy birthday. It was devastating to get his voicemail, from a pay phone, and not be able to call him back. This definitely put a damper on my mood, to put it lightly, and our plans to go out to dinner were instantly changed. I was in no mood to celebrate, but my amazing mother in law and sister in law would not let me wallow in self pity for long! They suggested we order food from somewhere and take it back to the apartment Rachel was currently living in (soon to move out into our house). We ate dinner, opened a few presents, and watched New Girl (my first exposure to the show, which I am now hooked on). They really helped to ease the sadness and the devastation I was feeling over missing the last chance I would have to hear my husband's voice for 13 weeks. 

After that first day, the time Josh was in bootcamp became a series of extremes for me. I would find myself going through periods of extreme sadness and loneliness, made worse by the fact that I was in this new, big house alone many nights. Soon after Rachel and I moved in, it was her winter break from school, which meant she was traveling for part of it and home in Roseville for part as well. You never fully realize how dependent you are on having someone else around until they aren't around anymore. Even the most menial things could bring me to tears- like cooking for just myself, or going half a day without talking to anyone. The hardest times of day for me were meal times and bedtime. I hate eating alone- and started watching a TV show or scanning the internet while eating. I missed sitting with Josh, enjoying meals, and talking about how our days had gone. Bedtime was hard, especially in the cold Chico winter. I had moved into one room of this house and had the queen sized bed Josh and I had, but it felt too big. I did not like sleeping alone, and found I would roll over, seeking the warmth that always radiated from him, and find no one. So, I soon switched to a twin sized mattress. But even then, going to sleep alone was never fun. 

I did not just wallow in self pity all the time, as the above paragraph appears to lead to. I had moments of sadness...okay half days of sadness, that would threaten to overtake me, but I also had moments of fun, joy and a refreshed reliance on prayer and God that had been long overdue. Living with Rachel was fun; it reminded me of my college days, made me stay up later (until 11 PM sometimes, which is late if you know me well), and helped me to seek friendships more than I had had to in a while. I promoted the cooking business I had started in Maui, cooking home meals for families, delivered to them to be baked at home. Although it hasn't taken off as much as I had hoped, it has been a great way for me to cook for others, and myself, and generate some income. I also started working at The Courtyard Retirement Home, which is where I had worked at the beginning of Josh and my's marriage. I love working in the kitchen there, and began the early morning shifts that I love so much. My sister, Caroline, also lives in Chico, and we spent a lot of time together during those first few months as well. She was very intentional about checking in on me and making sure I wasn't wallowing too much in self pity. Sometimes she caught me in a weak moment- she'd come over to find me wearing Josh's sweatshirt, watching a chick flick with a glass of wine (at least it wasn't the bottle). She always seemed to be able to help pull me out of those funks I found myself in, which I much appreciated! 

The hard thing about the timing of Josh's bootcamp was the holidays that he missed. We had celebrated Christmas with his family in Roseville early, before he left for bootcamp, which was so great. Christmas Eve and Christmas were still hard to swallow without him, though. I spent both days with his family, one in Vacaville (with Dad's side of the family) and one in Roseville (Mom's side). It was great to feel totally welcomed into both celebrations, but being around Josh's family without him was an adjustment. (I feel like a semi-professional at it now, but those first few times took some getting used to). Christmas Eve brought the low point of bootcamp for me, however. In all the conversations I had had leading up to and during boot camp (with family members and spouses of Marines), no one had told me to be expecting a phone call on Christmas, or any other time. I had only heard the clear message of no phone use allowed. So, I was not mentally tuned in to be checking my phone on Christmas Eve. I was busy helping get dinner ready and visiting with relatives. It wasn't until later, when I looked at my phone and noticed the 6 missed calls and voicemail from a 760 area code number that I began to panic. I went into the back room at Josh's Oma's house and listened to the message. As soon as I heard Josh's voice, I began sobbing, and felt like the worst wife in history for not answering his calls. Then the if only's kicked in- if only I had my phone on loud, or in my pocket, or if only I had checked it sooner I could have caught one of the calls. But, not of those were the case, and I had to accept the fact that I had missed his call- on Christmas Eve. The emotion in his voice was enough to break my heart- here I was feeling sad for missing his call and he was away from everyone he knew and loved, in a barracks with a bunch of 18 year olds, getting yelled at by drill instructors for putting his socks on the wrong way, What a Merry Christmas... Josh's Mom came to check on me in that back room, and we had a tender moment together, crying and trying to comfort one another. She was my closest ally during the entirety of boot camp. Whenever I felt sad or missed Josh,  I knew she missed him too, more than any other person did. She helped convince me that day that missing his call wasn't my fault and didn't mean I was a terrible wife. These things happened, and I needed to let it go. So, after several weeks, I finally did. But I did ask for and receive a FitBit watch for Christmas, which has a feature that allows the watch to vibrate and display the phone number of any calls you receive on your phone. Now I hope to never miss a phone call from Josh again! 

After the low point of Christmas Eve, the time of boot camp steadily passed. I kept working, picking up a part time nanny job as well, and tried to reconnect with friends here in Chico. I spent a lot of time in Roseville at the Hills, which I loved. Once February hit, I knew we were in the home stretch. I kept writing letters to Josh faithfully, about 5 a week, and checked the mailbox everyday for a letter from him. Even though I received an average of 1 a week from him, it never felt like enough. The agony of checking the mailbox everyday, and finding it empty 6 out of 7 days, wears on your emotions. I tried to remind myself of how busy he was, and I should just keep writing to him to keep his spirits up. He asked me to send some pictures of us and of his family, so I sent them over the course of a week or so, one per letter, to give him a little something to look forward to. 

It was hard trying to explain to people how I was feeling during this time. Once I would explain the situation to someone, how we would not see each other or communicate for 13 weeks except hand written letters, people didn't seem to understand the extent of it. Any question I wanted answered by Josh would take a minimum of 10 days, usually more. I would write to him, send the letter (which took about 3 days to get to him), then he would write back when he had time (which could take up to a week to piece together a response) and then he would mail it back. As you can probably guess, I didn't ask many questions that needed a timely answer. This left me with the decision making for every question that arose in those 3 months. I was having car issues with a BMW X5 we had purchased after moving back to CA- but I alone had to decide how much money to put into it. I was considering applying to nursing schools, but had to go through that process without him. You never realize how necessary it is to have someone else to use as a sounding board, or voice of reason, until you lose the one you did have. It made life much more stressful for me during those 3 months. 

Towards the end of bootcamp, I began to feel as though I was getting used to him being away. I have always been a self-reliant and independent person, and I saw this coming alive in me once again. This was encouraging in some ways, since I was having to live independently, but it was also discouraging. I didn't want to feel as though I was getting used to being apart from my husband.  I would find that half the day would go by, and I hadn't thought of him once. I don't think that is healthy, and I felt badly for not missing him. There is a fine line between healthy and necessary adaptation that must happen when we are faced with new decisions, and losing the reliance and teamwork you have built with your spouse. Thankfully, I only began to feel this way a few weeks before bootcamp ended, and I was able to revert back to healthy marital roles once we were together. But it is definitely something I will need to be aware of in the future, especially if times of longer deployments come along. 

Overall, the separation was harder than I had willed myself to believe. I questioned and regretted why we had chosen the USMC countless times, but always came back to the fact that I was trusting my husband, and trusting he was following the Lord. I prayed for him many times each day, and felt connected to what he was doing by following the outline of his training. I knew, roughly, his schedule and could pray specifically for what he and his platoon were doing each day. Writing him letters, and receiving some from him, also helped me to feel connected in some ways. And now, we will always have those letters to look back on and remember the emotion that was behind each one. 

I'm out of time for tonight, but in my next post I will share about some of Josh's boot camp experiences.